Am I not supposed to be sitting here?

[ outfit. ]

Things hadn't been going great. For most of his life, Kai rather blindly followed the love he felt for other people. His family, his friends, his boyfriend. He never thought too much on it. His mom meant well, his sister was simply worried about him, and Llewellyn was, like? Whatever Llewellyn was? And Tobias... Kai was a bit in denial about whatever was happening with Tobias. In fact, he was painfully and blissfully in denial about it. He needed someone to be that blind love. He needed it. If just for a little bit longer.

Things were changing. For the first time, he found himself doubting his feelings. His thoughts were clear: There was something wrong. It likely stemmed from him, himself. He was quick to fall onto the extreme, that he was the person his mother never wanted him to be, but it was a bit more complicated than that. Kai wasn't complicated, he thought. Or maybe he was. How does someone like him, with his upbringing, with the love he felt from his family, turn into this shitty mess? He guessed the answer was kind of simple: He did something wrong. Or, possibly, maybe, it was all a bad coincidence. Kai wasn't bright, he knew this. But he felt like he fell into something he never wanted to be a part of, and he was just going with it in spite of every fiber in his being falling apart to the beat of it all. Well, maybe not ever fiber. The flesh was still there, and that was enough for him. The nuances could be dwelled on some other time.

Things were perfectly fine! For his own sake, things were perfectly fine.

But as he sleepily made his way to an empty spot at Hufflepuff table, rare to be awake for breakfast but keen on the idea of a mouthful of pancakes (were pancakes vegetarian??? Did they, like, use chicken fat to ruin Kai's life or something?), his bicolored eyes found Lachlan in its midst. His steps paused, and he glanced around to see if anyone caught his hesitation. They hadn't spoke since the party, and Kai was, well, being Kai. Avoidant and increasingly a worse and worse friend. But there was an empty spot across from him, and through Kai's sleepy haze, he didn't realize the peculiarity of the Slytherin's presence.

So, he sat down across from him. Lachlan did nothing wrong, it was Kai who did all the wrong. And Kai would rather not let a friendship fall through just because he couldn't stand the thought of conflict. If Lachlan told him he was a flaky fuck, Kai would nod along and agree and hope that meant forgiveness.

"Ay yo, bruv," He greeted, yawning almost immediately after and pressing the sleeve of his sweater against his mouth, "I totally read once, that, like, some jellies use bones to get 'em thick, and I'm like? The fuck, dude?" With that, he began spooning a glob of jam onto a piece of toast, having come to terms that the things he loved required sacrifice long ago.

Lachlan smiled when Kai plonked himself down on the bench across from him. This was more than he'd hoped for. For one, Toby was nowhere in sight. And for the other, Kai's conversation had gone back to its meandering, pointless pattern. Lachlan liked when he talked like that.

"And horses' hooves," he nodded, "but I don't think they do that any more."

He scooped up a mouthful of scrambled egg, because with his mouth full, he couldn't be expected to talk. Lachlan used the opportunity to reflect on how completely weird it was that he could be having a comfortable conversation while simultaneously being anxious about saying the wrong thing. What he wanted to do was check if Kai was okay after his exit the other night, but he'd heard stories. What if doing something like that made Kai less okay right now?

He swallowed.

"What've you got on today?"

That was a safe enough question.

Kai nodded knowingly, squinting past Lachlan's shoulder in thought. "Do you think that, like, we're, like, basically eatin' glue?" He stuck the spoon in his mouth, suckling remnants of strawberry off sleepily. "I used to, like, eat glue as a kid, like... The kind that's made for stupid fuckin' kids who would eat glue," He pulled the spoon from his lips and laughed at himself. His thought process, he remembered, was that the color consistency reminded him of egg whites and he used to eat eggs like crazy before Amommy reconnected with her family. Nowadays, he was less than thrilled with the taste, and that was kinda for the best.

He, too, wanted to stay connected with his family. Veganism was pretty necessary, though Emil got away with it pretty easily. Of course, that was mostly because Kai helped him get away with it.

"What've you got on today?"

Uh, well. He hadn't really thought about it. Kai spooned some fried potatoes onto his plate, thinking about this question with pinched eyebrows. "No clue," He finally replied, "Probs just gonna wreck a drum kit or somethin'. Or... I guess... Study...? But probs gonna do somethin' un-per-ductive, for suuure." There was always the likelihood that he'd run into Tobias and his day would shift to whatever he was up to, and Kai would fall in line as he normally did. He was realizing that he didn't quite know what to do with himself when other people weren't around. He felt gutted thinking that. But...

"What about you?" He asked, tired eyes finally finished with avoiding Lachlan's gaze.

"No," Lachlan replied, "I mean, it's Hogwarts."

The sentence trailed off. It was a remnant from last year, when things were normal. Who knew what The Murphy would let, or make, the house elves feed them now?

He hadn't known Kai drummed. How hadn't he known that? But it made sense; Llewellyn said he used to have a drummer but it hadn't worked out and they weren't friends any more. Or they were having a massive fight, at the very least.

"Oh, you know, the usual," he replied. It hadn't escaped his notice that Kai had yet to really look him in the eye, so he paid attention to pushing his own meal around his plate.

"I have a potions assignment so I might swing by the library. If you're going to be studying later, you could come?"

Oh god, that sounded so needy. As soon as the words were said, Lachlan regretted them. Should come. He ought to have said should come. Shit.

Forgetting that this was the Hufflepuff table, he downed the juice in his glass and immediately began to cough.

"Gross, pumpkin juice."

Kai's far away gaze only grew more distant when Lachlan replied. What did that mean? He supposed, in some way, that this answered his question: Hogwarts meant well, even within the strange structure it formed for itself ever since Murphy sniffed, like, a lot of drugs; they wouldn't purposely feed them glue of all things. But Kai meant in the grand scope of things. Things that not even Hogwarts really had control over. Chemicals formed together to make new things, and glue was only one step away from being the paste in toothpaste or the jell in jello. Or maybe even the sweat between Kai's thighs and the leather stool he sat in while he and Llewellyn jammed all summer. The bond between friends. The shred of hope that kept Kai from crying that morning. Everything was made from each other.

It was kind of shitty glue.

What was the point of it all?

The Slytherin's offer snapped Kai out of his daze. He took a bite of his toast and hummed, thinking momentarily on it. "I dunno if I actually wanna study. That sounds kinda really, like, totally bogus n' shit," Kai admitted, but his eyes quickly danced across Lachlan's expression. He seemed completely content on being on his own, and Kai was kinda flattered that the guy would even offer. He hoped that it wasn't just out of sympathy. He was the third wheel in all of this awful bullshit that had been happening, and Kai really, really didn't want that. He didn't want Lachlan thinking that this was what Kai's life was.

"Ummmmmm, but like. I can totally, like, tag along and help you, or... somethin'. Moral support or whatever. I'll, like, bring snacks," He shoved the rest of the toast in his mouth, the entire piece of bread, to stop himself from rambling. He used to always be the one who brought snacks to study sessions, even though those study sessions were mostly just him and Llewellyn getting blasted and listening to music. But snacks were essential, in Kai's opinion. Food for a thought, feed your thoughts literal food and they'll, like, get your homework done. That's what that meant.

Lachlan sighed and this time actually rolled his eyes. Kai wasn't stupid. Sometimes it took him a while to catch on, though, and that was... Lachlan didn't think it was irritating.

"I think if you're there I won't actually be studying," he said.

Lachlan's attitude passed over Kai's head, the Hufflepuff took to chewing his breakfast with a glazed expression. In truth, the boy was hardly this distant, even when he was doped up and in his own world. This was different. This was purposeful, tired distance reserved for keeping himself together, for avoiding unnecessary scenes. Some people could notice this trait in Kai. Most didn't. He wasn't quite aware enough in himself to know whether or not he had a preference.

"That's cool," Came his passive reply, "Studying sounds kinda bogus, anyway." He didn't realize he repeated himself, but he didn't take the time to think on it, either. "What do you wanna do then?" Tired eyes danced across Lachlan's features, watching his reaction. He just wanted to hang out with someone, sincerely, and he didn't quite care what they would be up to. Lachlan could shrug and he'd say "cool" and they'd be off. For now, he nibbled on another piece of toast, not even bothering with jam this time.