And if you asked me if I love him, I’d lie

On the few spring days where the weather was pleasant (a rarity in the highlands to be quite honest with you, as most spring days were droll and rainy) Llewellyn took the opportunity to enjoy the far-reaching landscape of the Hogwarts Grounds. Once upon a time it might have been spent wandering from boathouse to Quidditch Pitch with idle talk between friends, but times had changed and sequentially so had the Hufflepuff. December felt like a life time away, and with the cold weather he felt the aches of the past flake away like weathered paint. Still wounded, but the throbbing had dulled and his eyes had been opened to new opportunity (or distractions?) and with the fickle sentiments of passion lifted from his clouded thought. Suddenly, the world seemed so much clearer. Brighter.

Llewellyn didn’t want to attribute this new outlook to any singular event. Perhaps it had just been time that sealed over the grotesque self-inflicted wound- but perhaps, also, a new infatuation had aided in dismissing one heartbreak for what would eventually be another, but Llewellyn didn’t like to dwell on the past or future. As a general rule of thumb, the present was what was important, and currently, the present had been increasingly kind to him. It was nice to be wanted, and it wasn’t a feeling Llewellyn was entirely used to. Clinging to others when they couldn’t care less was basically his mantra up until this point, and quite frankly, it hadn’t been working out all that well.

But ever since the night of the party he and Ed had been spending time together. Nothing too serious, mind you. Just quick meet ups between classes and on weekends, light and casual, but Llewellyn was enjoying the journey nonetheless without any real hurry towards a destination. Ed was nice. Traditional. Smart. Different. Different was the big one, because it was easy to forget one for the other when they were so different, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to think about that. But the Ravenclaw boy made Llewellyn like himself. That hadn’t been a notion in the Hufflepuffs head for... well, as long as he could remember. Confidence was one hell of a drug.

But he was doing weird things now, and when he stopped to think about it he realized how weird and unlike himself it really was. Sitting out on the grounds with a pile of books doing homework, for example, nose deep in a chapter about Ancient Runes that suddenly seemed so interesting when Llewellyn of the past couldn't give two shits about some weird paintings some old dudes did. Nonetheless, he was absorbed, and only looked up when he heard a familiar voice. One he'd been expecting, but his stomach had been doing some relentless gymnastic work for almost the entirety of the afternoon after sending that letter. 

But he had to try, didn't he?

Maybe it would be okay now. 

No amount of rationalization made this any easier, and Llewellyn tilted his curly haired head back, leaning into the ancient tree he'd been sitting cross-legged under. Kai refused to look in his direction, and that was okay. Llewellyn understood. He hadn't invited Kai here because he wanted to look at his potions notes. Green eyes flitted across the playdough smile that smeared itself across his face. Despite their estrangement, Llewellyn still knew the other Hufflepuff boy like the back of his hand. He couldn't hide his uneasiness from Llewellyn. 

"Hey man," he started off easily, closing the book that laid in his lap and scooting over slightly. His mouth opened and silence hung in the air. "I uhm, don't really need your notes. Sorry about that," he continued finally, looking down at his beat up converse and rubbing a smudge of dirt off the toe. "I just wanted to talk to you."  

Sniffling slightly from his spring time allergies he looked up, squinting as the sun set behind Kai's back. It was funny how a person could be so close but feel so far away. 

"I wanted to... to apologize. For everything. For me. Because I am the way I am and I think that you... deserve closure, even if you don't want to forgive me or ever talk to me again. I'd understand if you didn't. If you'll listen." 

There was a shift in Kai's weight when Llewellyn spoke to him. It mimicked the churn in his stomach, it knotted and tensed and his fingers met his elbows to stable himself. He hadn't heard Llewellyn speak pleasantly for a while now, at least not toward Kai himself. There was a part of him that was melting beneath the pleasantness of "hey man", wanting this to mean something more than it did. There had been nights where he dreamed Llewellyn came to him and treated him like he used to. Like nothing happened. And he welcomed it, he yearned for it. Kai wanted that so badly, deep inside... Things just weren't that easy.

But then Llewellyn continued: "I just wanted to talk to you." A nervous laugh rattled from Kai, faint and insecure. His fingernails, painted and chipped black from long ago, dug into the flesh of his arm. As if to pinch himself awake. God, this was awkwardly awful and he was only making it worse by sitting there silently with a dumb smile on his face. How the hell did he fall for this, whatever this was? Why was he still so desperate to speak to Llewellyn after all this time? It mocked his awful dreams, only this time he felt the reality of it all. The reality that this wasn't as blissful as he wished for it to be.

Kai's jaw fell slack momentarily after his former friend spoke his apology. No! No. This wasn't okay. Inwardly, he wanted to scream, for the wave of relief that washed over him in that moment was beyond naive. It was stupid. Kai couldn't accept this, it wasn't worth accepting. He needed to protect himself, but instead he was just falling even harder for Llewellyn's words.

God, he wanted to badly to be friends again. It hurt. It ached. Normally, this was the part where tears would brim the Ohme boy's eyes, he'd sniffle and crumble and squeak his forgiveness. But he had gone over this moment so many times in his head. He mourned the loss of Llewellyn not once, but twice. First when he left, then again when he realized his best friend truly wanted nothing to do with him. Tobias told Kai awful things, awful things that Llewellyn said directly about Kai. There was no doubt about it, right? Kai and Llewellyn simply just weren't friends. That was it. That was that.

There were no tears this time.

"Um..." He cleared his throat, forcing himself to look at the other Hufflepuff.

Perhaps it was simply his blinding ignorance, his wish for things to get better. In some form, things could only get better.

"I, um... Yeah. I'll, like... Listen n' stuff..." Kai began slowly, "Though, like. You didn't have to, like, lie to me or anythin' to get me here." It sounded a tad salty, and it kind of was. But the smile dripped off his face, the apology giving his nerves a false sense of hope. He hated that about himself, how he fell apart at the smallest hint of reconciliation. It was common for his family to sit down and talk things through, and it was always so sincere. Things weren't really like that anymore. Llewellyn was never really his family to begin with, he supposed.

He tugged on his right gauge and wondered, timidly, what he was supposed to do in a situation like this. With zero grace, he plopped himself next to where Llewellyn sat, but retained his distance. Kai knew if he felt any sort of connection between the two of them, something that solidified the reality of the situation, he'd panic and run. Instead, he watched the glistening lake water, eyes hazed in a dream.

Everything was orange.

"So, um..." His voice fell silent. He didn't continue what he was saying. Frankly, he forgot what it even was.

“I- I know. I just... I didn’t think you would want to talk to me,” he responded sincerely, moving the Ancient Runes book off his lap as Kai took his place beside him. He added it to the small pile of books that he’d collected from the library earlier that week. Things that Llewellyn had never really expressed any interest in prior to this point, like the Ancient Runes book, but also things that he’d always been reluctant to express interest in out of his fear of failure. The Healer's Helpmate and Common Magical Ailments and Afflictions were two among them, along with parchments of homework that was ordinarily left undone scribbled so illegibly that the Professor (in this case, Professor Roy) would wish he’d continued his academic protests. Even his fingers were growing callous’s that were entirely unrelated to guitar playing.

“I’ve been an asshole,” he acknowledged, training his green eyes on Kai’s circumvented expression. “And I’ve lied until I’m blue in the face but I... I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over because it’s all I’ve ever known how to do. I fuck things up. I’m probably fucking this up right now.” Looking down, he tugged at several strands of emerald grass, ripping them up from the turf and sprinkling them over the ripped holes in his jeans. Now that it was time to actually... talk, Llewellyn felt the nerves bunch up in his chest like bad indigestion. Was this even the right thing to do?

“Ummm,” his utterance tested the waters of the air, his face turning red as he was clearly struggling to formulate his thoughts. “Sorry. I’m not great at this kind of thing. You think I would be with all the therapy but I guess not- uh- that’s another thing. Another thing I never told you,” he started rambling, true to his Llewellyn-esque fashion. Suddenly he stood, pacing back and forth.

“Like, okay, there’s a lot of stuff but it’s not all important but interconnected and it all just kind of gets gnarled up in my...” as he turned to face Kai suddenly he reached up to touch his chest but the words fell short. Embarrassed, he let his arms fall again.

“Okay. So, before I was confused and I needed time to figure things out and it was selfish of me to... cut you out, but there was a lot going on and I didn’t know how to tell you. I-I’m gay, right, but it’s not just that. It was, uhm, well I thought I was going to hell. I still do. Some things you just can’t shake from your head, but that’s something else entirely, right?” he explained tentatively, sitting back down but clearly struggling to remain still.

“But the hard part about it was that I thought I liked you, and I was upset. I’ve been upset with you for- well, it’s not your fault because you never asked for that. I tried to ignore it or whatever but I just wasn’t very happy,” as it ushered out, he took a deep breath, focusing on the letter ‘A’ scribbled out onto his homework, too anxious to gauge Kai’s reaction. “But that’s the thing. I know you. I know if I told you then you would want to make... whoever it was, happy, and that’s not fair to you. You should do things for yourself. You don't do that a lot and I see it but never said anything."

Looking up now he rubbed the worn thighs of his pants, stealing worried glances in the other badger's direction. "But recently I've been thinking, and I've been... talking to someone, hanging out, and he's like, the coolest... and I'm thinking maybe I was just lonely. Maybe I was wrong about this whole thing, and I caused you a lot of pain over nothing. I ruined everything over nothing, because that's just what I do. I ruin everything I touch and I don't really know why, and I don't think I deserve you as a friend, like at all... but I needed you to know. I think I owed it to you." 

As Llewellyn spoke, Kai's knees hugged to his chest and he stacked his arms and chin atop. Maybe if he shrank a little bit more, the tightening in his stomach would even out. Maybe it wouldn't feel so, like, absolutely garbage awful if he just shrank a little bit more. That's what people did, wasn't it? They shrank and wilted until it was over. A tactic his mother taught him better than to follow. "Let those bad feelings go, vent them out." But Kai never really felt so negatively about something before, and in that moment he felt like his disappointment was blistering his skin and his insides. His heart, or whatever. It was sore. It was on fire. It wasn't heartburn, he didn't think? It could have been, but it probably wasn't.

He never felt this way around Llewellyn before. He used to feel like home away from home. Now it was like standing outside the place Kai once lived, and it was gutted and empty but, somehow, the lights were on.

Nothing could have prepared him for this.

“Sorry. I’m not great at this kind of thing. You think I would be with all the therapy but I guess not- uh- that’s another thing. Another thing I never told you,”

Kai wanted to say, "Yeah. Another fucking thing you never told me." But he rubbed his mouth on the sleeve of his sweater and shrugged. "That's fine," He said, with undertones of, "I wouldn't have expected more from you, anyway." But Llewellyn had no reason to ever tell Kai something like that. It was a serious matter. Embarrassing to some, although Kai wasn't the type to think negatively of therapy. It wasn't like Kai had ever been his best friend, someone Llewellyn could have trusted, or something, or whatever, or whatever! Or whatever! Whatever. It really was fine. Kai didn't hold this against him. It hurt, but he understood. After all, one secret slips out and Daniyah goes and tells the whole family. Kai wouldn't trust himself, either.

But he listened to Llewellyn bumble and explain himself, his ineptitude with words nearly matching Kai's. "I'm gay," He started, and Kai's eyes darted to his dormmate. Now that he mentioned it, it did make a lot of sense. Kai never really thought about it. The party, the voices he heard around their dorm. He didn't want to jump to conclusions. Growing up with his moms, when Kai realized he was into dudes, it was no big deal. It was more so, he never particularly realized, he just always sort of knew. It was just hard for him to like people romantically as a whole. It just didn't really happen. Tobias was an outlier. He was strange and assertive and Kai had felt, for so long, that he was what he needed. Now he wondered why he ever felt that way to begin with.

In some way, this confession was something he felt like he was waiting to hear.

Kai, out of all the people, could have helped Llewellyn with this. This was possibly the only serious topic that Kai knew how to handle. He did not know how Llewellyn felt on a personal level, but he didn't need to.

"But the hard part about it was that I thought I liked you,"

Kai's hand covered his mouth.

There was a dawn of a realization then. Reasons why Kai felt the need to replace Llewellyn with anything he could get his hands on. In particular, Tobias. That's what Tobias was, wasn't he? This whole time, the answer was right there, and Kai just couldn't push the pieces together.

He really, really liked Llewellyn. More than a friend. He was his home away from home. He was different than family. He was orange. Blotches formed on his cheeks, and Kai closed his eyes.

Thought. Thought. Thought. This was all in past tense. This was all in the past. Things that Llewellyn did not feel. This realization wasn't joyous, it wasn't two fuckin' gaywads coming together after months of silence. Kai was the only one that felt this way. Painted orange and pink, red rings around his eyes, like the red halo that echoed behind his head as the sun began to fall. And Llewellyn continued to speak. Why now? Why did this have to happen at all? Kai wanted so badly to feel that love he felt from Llewellyn again, and it was never really there. Llewellyn was never really as close to him as he thought. There was a chasm that was deepening between them, and Kai never noticed it until Llewellyn pushed him right fucking into it.

And yet...

Kai virtually blocked out most of what Llewellyn said after that. That's all he really needed to know. A lot of self pity and a lot of pretending to care about Kai's feelings. He got this. He felt like he got this. But it was slipping under. Like his heart was oozing out and dripping from between his fingers and Kai could do nothing but sorta watch and try not to make a big deal about this. How? How could he feel like he was losing Llewellyn again? How? How did he do it? How did this mop headed boy do this so often without even knowing it?

Kai never had an ounce of self awareness before. He hardly had an awareness for the people around him. And in that moment, he was aware of everything. How stupid this was. How much of a fucking mess he was making his life. If he just walked away now, Llewellyn would be gone from his life. He'd break up with Tobias. He'd talk to his parents. He'd forgive Daniyah. And his life would be okay, right? It'd be fine. Llewellyn wanted him to think of himself for once, and he was, but...

And yet...

It had been so long since they spoke so pleasantly to each other. Months of silence. Months of wondering what Llewellyn felt about him. He still didn't really know, but in that moment he knew Llewellyn was coming to him. Vulnerable and kind.

How...?

"Dude, all this time I thought, like, you hated me over somethin' serious," Kai began, not even realizing the severity of his words, "Like... Yeah... It fuckin' sucked. I really wish it never happened. But all I ever wanted was, like, to be your friend again. I just wanted my best friend back. I don't really? Like? Think you ruined anything... I just..."

It was slipping.

"You don't have to apologize. We've always had each other's backs, and it'll take a lot more to, like, make me ever feel like... I don't know. You're worth it, dude, don't think that I ever, like, felt any different about you," Kai grinned over his shoulder. The tears were losing the war. Pink strands of hair fluttered against his cheeks.

It fell down into the chasm. It was gone.

"It's fine. It's always been fine."

Kai couldn't see it anymore.

Kai had taken the news surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) well. His schoolmate reacted in a way that was in utmost Kai-ish fashion, letting the issue roll off his shoulders smooth as an oil slick, shaping what Llewellyn had thought to be an ungovernable mess of vinegary resentment into straightforward clean lines of primary shapes distinguishable by even a child. So why, then, did Llewellyn fail to sense the calmness in the air as Kai breathily echoed his reprieve for Llewellyn’s past sins? Ugh. He was so good and untainted and golden in ways that the Hufflepuff could only attempt to emulate. Pure like the crystalline angels painted on stained glass chapel walls that gazed down upon Llewellyn with their pietistic melancholy- because everyone knew a soul like his couldn’t be saved.

Even now Llewellyn found himself not relieved, but angry with Kai. Bitter because he didn’t shut him out or vilify Llewellyn even after everything he had said and done and cited entirely selfish reasons because at his very rotten core he was a selfish boy. Because Kai’s indifference told Llewellyn the one thing that he never wanted to know: That Kai would never, ever, ever care on the level that Llewellyn (despite his claim only moments ago) wanted him to. Why should he? He had never done anything to deserve his affections. In fact, all Llewellyn had ever done to Kai was shut him out. On this very evening Llewellyn had done just that by fabricating yet another one of his- what he liked to think were- white lies.

And the truth? Well, Ed was great. He was smart and attractive and ethical but at the end of the day Llewellyn knew he just liked the idea of being wanted because it was new and different and made him forget that he was a fucking loser that ruined every relationship he’d ever had with another human being. Soon enough, he was sure, he would ruin whatever it was he had with Ed, too.
Here he was, sitting here reading these stupid books that he’d never understand all because he was grasping for straws to find something in common and for fucks sake! He didn’t know music or movies and didn’t care about the stupid superstitious monster magazines that captivated Llewellyn.

Ed was boring, no matter how much Llewellyn liked him as a person, he often found his mind wandering elsewhere and wishing he was with someone else and fighting to suppress the ache that had plagued him for what felt like an eternity of torture.
Not just anyone either. Someone very specific.

But... Llewellyn guessed... it didn’t matter... because it’s not like anything about this was serious, to quote a certain ineloquent Hufflepuff that had caused the Scottish boy to set his insides ablaze. Reaching up, Llewellyn undid the top button of his uniform shirt and loosened his tie as the heat traveled up through his neck and into his face. Fingers tangled themselves into the mob of untamed chestnut curls and tugged firmly, fingernails digging into his scalp.

“S-s-stop,” Llewellyn started suddenly, throwing up his hands and cutting him off at the tail of his ‘fine’ and shaking his head as straight dark brows knitted together in his upset state. His voice had changed drastically, forming an honest and abrupt edge that was only accentuated his clipped brogue that had become noticeably less subtle.

“No, no. No. No. You’re not supposed to just not care or be fine with this, you fucking prick. You’re supposed to get angry. Fuck me, right? I’ve been talking shit and ignoring you for months and fighting with your boyfriend and it’s all just fucking FLOWERS and CANDIES like some bullshit good vibes robot!” Llewellyn spat out, standing up suddenly and vigorously shoving his stupid ass library books down into the depths of his bookbag. Stopping for a moment, he looked at Kai, face flushed and eyes like marbles.

His shout echoed over The Black Lakes glossy surface. The sun dipped down below the horizon. He wasn’t being rational. Rational people didn’t lie to the people they love for years. Rational people didn’t lose their shit when conflict was seemingly resolved. Straightening his back he stared down at Kai.

“I’m so tired of you! Just being so whatever! About everything! Things that matter to me! This is serious. I- I mean was serious. Serious to me, and you’re just like! Oh! Ok! Cool! It’s not cool. The things you say matter, and you’re just so shit with words with your hazy bullshit. It’s no wonder you confuse the shit out of me,” he dug, fists balled tightly at his sides. “Why do you even bother with me? I don’t deserve it. I’m not worth it. I ruin every-fucking-thing I touch. I don’t know what ever made you think that, but boy are you delusional.”

Llewellyn’s cheeks were wet, and he rubbed them violently, embarrassed. He didn’t cry, not ever, and especially not in front of Kai.

“I am not fine. This isn’t okay... This... was a mistake. Fucking, get angry for once, christ! Tell me to go kick rocks. Spit in my face. Scream you never want to see me again. Punch me! Something!” 

The flow of the conversation had pointed towards resolution. The two boys would make amends and that would be that. Kai drowned himself in denial, set it up so that he would blindly follow Llewellyn like before. That's what he wanted. That's what he felt like he needed. Forgiveness was all Kai knew. He forgave and forgot and it never really bit him in the ass, most of the time at least. But the tint of rose cracked once the other Hufflepuff responded to him. "Stop," he said. Kai's eyes darted across Llewellyn's expression, shocked the guy would even argue with him at this point. Stop, Kai repeated inwardly, as Llewellyn spoke again. Fucking stop, Llewellyn!

From beneath it all, the awareness he was so eager to let die at the bottom of their shitfilled friendship coughed and stirred and opened its eyes. Anger seeped into his thoughts. Of course it did. A blackened, gorey, diseased-filled feeling. Kai rose to his feet when Llewellyn did, brow furrowed as he listened to his shitfilled, fucking awful, shitty, selfish, fucking dumb speech about how Kai apparently annoyed him sooooo much. His fist tightened then, and truthfully he wanted nothing more than to punt his bookbag with his fake ass attempts at ~being a better person~ or whatever right back in his face.

But when Llewellyn urged him to fight back, to hurt him, he attempted to force himself to relax.

Kai didn't fight. He wasn't violent. He grasped so desperately to that idea. He was a good person, and here he was... drained and weak and anxiously trying to retain himself like a cornered dog. It wasn't Llewellyn's fault. He was a part of a major, overarching issue. Sure, he wasn't helping, like, at all, but even in Kai's fury he knew it wasn't Llewellyn's fault. It was true, things would be easier without him. But he knew, through this revelation, through this whole ill conceived conversation, that there was no way Kai could just give up on Llewellyn.

He, like, loved the guy. He was just absolutely aggravating, apparently.

"You f- fuckin' moron. Of course 's not okay!" Kai stepped forward, shaking hands grabbing a fistful of Llewellyn's shirt. He regretted this gesture immediately, as if he was giving in to Llewellyn wanted. But it was hard not to want to shove the guy a little bit. Maybe make him eat a little dirt. Make him say "uncle", like a schoolyard bully. Perhaps it was the fact that Llewellyn was sniveling, getting all worked up in ways Kai didn't recognize. But Kai still recognized Llewellyn as a person. This is who he always was, wasn't it? Some fluffy haired jerk getting worked up over nothing. But it was different now, where he was actually being honest with Kai. That was? Incredibly annoying.

"God, I can't believe I thought you were actually sayin' sorry," His voiced cracked, "If you fuckin' cared, you'd... you'd, like..." Kai didn't know what he'd do. He didn't know anything about Llewellyn anymore. He didn't know what people did when they cared about each other. He knew that his relationships had gone so well prior to Daniyah's interrogation, but now all he could remember was the awful bits. The times his mother snapped and sobbed on his shoulder. The times friends stopped talking to him after they became intimate. The way Tobias ignored his feelings, and the way Llewellyn couldn't see them. What did he have left?

But he didn't hate them. He didn't hate anyone. Not even Tobias. And especially not Llewellyn.

"Will I ever be good enough for you? You asshole. 'I'm so fucking sorry for trying to forgive you'? Is that what you want me to say?" It was hard to look at him, especially as close as they were, especially after everything. But. "All you had to do was play along, y'know? Y'never had a fuckin' problem being a big fat fuckin' liar before ya' dumped me. What's the big deal now, huh? Not fun anymore?" He pushed away then, hurt by his own words. It took his everything not to start crying, too. But the red rings deepened and he sniffed back a glob of snot. This was awful. This wasn't what he wanted. He couldn't believe that, after everything, this was still where they were. A fucking mess.

Was that what Llewellyn wanted all along? All this talk about how much he cared, but all he did was mess things up. It was purposeful. It wasn't accidental. Yet there Kai was, wanting so badly to just let it go.

Maybe, if Llewellyn knew how much Kai cared, he'd stop. He'd think about what he was doing.

That was what Kai always wanted, but apparently he did a shit job at showing it. He considered himself a transparent person, but he lied more often than not now. He didn't even know how to express how he felt to Llewellyn then. His romantic words fell silent, afraid. They weren't welcome anymore, were they?

That stung more than Llewellyn's fake apology.

His shirt was yanked forward and he stumbled, dropping his book bag on the verdant grounds turf and his balled up fists became slack as he stared, wide-eyed by Kai’s divergent riposte. It sunk in, slow and tortuous, his features painted open-mouthed and taken aback. They were close too, and Llewellyn was reminded of that day in the Astronomy Tower where all he wanted to do so badly was to kiss Kai. He didn’t. He couldn’t. It wasn’t right or fair, and despite their time apart Llewellyn could feel himself slipping back into his former sensibilities that he had fought against all these lonely grief-stricken months. Kai had done exactly what Llewellyn wanted him to, and the moment his sweet disposition turned to exasperation he regretted ever encouraging it. Like a small spoiled child, Llewellyn’s passions drove him to pendulum between wanting something, then not, never able to quite make up his mind. It was infuriating. Yet, there was a small ugly satisfaction in the fact that he’d elicited this response from the teenager in front of him whose affections he coveted.

What the fuck did he want?

For most it was an easy answer, but the boys self loathing left a gaping hole of opposition in his rationale, waging not just battles but entire wars behind seemingly sedative green eyes. Eyes that now met Kai’s after months of deflection with a cellophane ache. There was nowhere to hide. His vision blurred. So deeply ashamed by his own yearning that he found any excuse in the world to deny himself contentment. He didn’t deserve it. It had nothing to do with Kai, and it wasn’t fair that he was the one to receive the brunt of Llewellyn’s frantic fucked up turmoil that stemmed from his shitty childhood that he still, for some reason, felt entirely numb towards despite being told over and over that he should feel some sort of way. This was something that Llewellyn was gradually beginning to understand and come to terms with, but it was by no means a happy resolution to a growing problem.

“I couldn’t do it anymore!” he crumbled, his desperate hoarse voice carrying out over the grounds. If there had been other students around, they were certainly looking in their direction now. Llewellyn felt himself collapsing beneath the weight of Kai’s accusations in his raw circumstances. “I couldn’t pretend that I was fine with it anymore. I can’t live like that!”

As a tremor ran through his body, he reached up and seized his friends wrists and pried them away from his shirt, shoving Kai back. Quite possibly harder than he intended to.

“Don’t you get it? Like I’m the moron! You can’t even see something staring you right in the face! Even your douchebag of a boyfriend realized what was going on after five fucking minutes! And I’ve known you for five years and you’re just as clueless as ever!” he lamented, hands pressing into his tear-stained face. He took a step forward. It was his turn to grab a fistful of shirt, yanking Kai forward like his best friend had done to him only moments ago.

“Don’t you DARE tell me how I feel! Don’t you dare say that I don’t care, when you’re the only fucking thing I’ve ever cared about in my entire miserable existence! The only person I've ever loved! I don’t care about my family, my health, my grades, my future, my past- I- I- don’t! Care! About anything! So don’t even go there, because you have no idea what the bloody hell you’re talking about, and there are a lot of awful truths that you don’t want to hear because it would shatter your poor little Utopian bubble!”

Withdrawing, he unclenched Kai’s shirt and took several steps back and let his hands fall feebly to his sides. He felt like a banana. Peeled open. Get it? It was a stupid, but whatever it took to save what little bit of egotistic sediment that remained unscraped from his core. Otherwise, he was bare. Something was wet on his lip and he reached up and touched it just to discover he was bleeding. Of course, like any other thing that happened to him, it was an the least convenient and most inopportune time. He shoved his robe’s sleeve up his nose and spoke again, this time quiet, nasaly, and drained.

“So there it is. So, like, if you’re going to cry or whatever, you can fuck off to Toby or whatever because I’m not doing this with you anymore. I’m not putting you up on a pedestal and making myself feel like shit. Or pretend that I’m okay because I’m not really like you Kai. I’m fucked up and I know I’m fucked up but that’s... that’s fine. I’m not gonna follow you around and smile and nod and pretend like I’m not, like, a mess. I’m- I’m gonna do good things for myself because I’m so sick of hurting all the time, and I’m going to find someone that appreciates me in the way I want them to. If you have a problem with that, then you’re the actual asshole. And maybe I didn’t mean my apology in the way you wanted me to mean it, but it’s the best I can do for now.”

Spent, he scooped up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He didn’t even want to hear Kai’s rebuttal. At this point, he never wanted to look at his stupid two-toned eyes again. However, he felt the weight that had been sitting on his chest for the past three months lift.

The more Llewellyn yelled and cried and blamed Kai, the more the normally placid boy wanted to shut him up. Neither of them were making a lot of sense, or at least Kai was having a hard time understanding. Llewellyn was acting like this was something Kai should have known all along... That Llewellyn wasn't actually over him. Even when his friend turned on him, grabbed his shirt like one of Kai's neighborhood bullies, there was a sense of relief that washed over him. He had no reason to be grateful for this, and he couldn't quite understand what exactly Llewellyn was saying, but knowing that Edmund hadn't somehow rid Llewellyn of his crush, or like, whatever it was... Kai's cheeks tinted red, but not from anger or embarrassment. They were so close, yet emotionally they were, like, exactly that chasm Kai wanted to ignore so badly.

It was true, Kai didn't understand how to spot these kinds of things. He wasn't sure what it looked like, what one was supposed to do in a situation like this. But, he was certain he understood how it felt now. It was hard, because both the people Kai knew he felt these things for were, for lack of a better term, complete dickwads. They made him feel like shit. But, Llewellyn had always been so endearing before. He had a way of making little things entertaining, of bringing life to things Kai would have otherwise been indifferent towards.

A life without Llewellyn was basically perpetual indifference. It wasn't fun, it was Kai simply sitting around and feeling, well, nothing. Chilling was great and all, but all the feeling was sucked out. There was no color.

So even when Llewellyn stripped him down of all meaning, left Kai's emotions in the dirt to rot, the Ohme boy couldn't help but crack a smile. This was so stupid, and that anger he felt was too mixed in with this amorous feeling, that it was... an unfortunate turn in what Kai wanted and needed from him. He thought an apology would suffice, but it wouldn't. He needed Llewellyn to completely understand where he was coming from.

All of this, literally all of it, stemmed from not talking to each other. And if Llewellyn needed to talk, Kai had to show that he was willing to listen. He didn't know how, but...

The smile faded when Llewellyn claimed Kai lived in a "Utopian bubble". This was... a stark realization that he had never really lived in such a thing. Or, perhaps, Llewellyn was implying that was what Kai projected it to be. That was true. His family was close, but they were far from perfect. Kai was quick to cave to their expectations, but now that he was failing them, it was getting harder to ignore the little things. He couldn't help but feel a little dramatic, like he was blowing this out of proportion. But he was a failure to his family. No one knew who he was. Kai didn't even know who he was, he simply knew who he didn't want to be, and that was his father. How often did he hear those sloppy pleas? Why couldn't she sob to Amani over her scars?

"Yeah, I have a fuckin' problem with that," Kai told the back of that stupid mophead. But Llewellyn didn't seem to want to listen, he only wanted to fuck him over and leave him wondering what he did wrong. And Kai was kind of fucking done with that. He was done waiting for the people he cared about to tell him what he was doing wrong. He was tired of being given no answers and no choices. He was cornered and wedged into a perpetual waiting game that never ended.

Catching Llewellyn by his bookbag, he whisked his best friend toward him, so he could give the bastard a proper shove to the dirt.

The last time Kai was blinded like this, blinded by fury, he ended up getting his nose broke by that asshole Noel. And maybe he deserved that. He didn't want to hurt Llewellyn, but as he dropped on top of him-- knees on either side of his stomach, like when they used to wrestle in the dorm-- he wanted Llewellyn to understand him. Completely. There were no tears from Kaimana this time.

Fluidly, as he struggled with his dormmate, he uprooted a chunk of grass and tried his absolute fucking best to shove that shit into Llewellyn's stupid, shitty mouth. Like his bullies had done to him before. Like what Llewellyn absolutely deserved.

"Is this appreciating you?! Is this what you want?!" Kai began, teeth clenched, "Is this how you want me to fucking love you, because I'll absolutely do it! I'll fucking do it! I'll do this all day if I have to, if you'll just fucking understand me for once. I don't care about how you feel about other people, I don't care how you treat me! Just let me love you, you... you fucking..."

"You throw all this shit around about how I don't understand you, but you don't understand me. You don't understand anything. I'll deny everything, I'll pretend everything is fine, if I can just be near you... I'll live in that god damn 'Utopian bubble' until I fucking die, but at least I'm trying to, like? Keep this together," His dirt caked fingers peeled back more grass from beside Llewellyn's cheek, and he glared down at him, bicolored eyes round and red and dry, "Don't act like I don't try. I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard to keep it together. You're the one who's giving up, just like a- always..."

Ah. He wished he didn't say that last part. The grass fell from his fingers. This was... more than Kai could handle. He didn't appreciate this route he made for himself. This wasn't what he wanted at all, but it felt so much better. Better than denying everything. Better than letting Llewellyn walk away.

God. Fuck this guy.

He had been done with the conversation and emotionally exhausted, on his way to go sink down under his covers and die for the remainder of the school year, or at least until Edmund or Ana or someone dragged his listless body out from the depths of melancholia. If there was one thing Llewellyn knew about himself, it was that this was survivable, and if there were ever a time where it felt like it wasn’t, there was a drug out there that could fix him. There were drugs out there for everything- too anxious? Too sad? Too gay? All of the above? The same, he assumed, applied to potions as well, but his knowledge of the magical world was still limited.

He hated talking like this. About feelings. He remembered sinking down between the cushions of his therapists brown leather couch as the golden sunlight spilled out between slatted venetian blinds and wanting to disappear. Her walls were painted a soft yellow, like butter, and there were bright orange and blue abstract paintings behind her tastefully modern workspace. Behind her, mounted degrees outlined in gold to match her hair piled high atop her head. On top she wore a red pair of cat-eye glasses that she would slide down the bridge of her nose every time he spoke. Mostly, though, they sat there in silence waiting for the time to run out while Llewellyn kicked his heels together and watched the ceiling fan whirr.

She would ask him questions like how he was feeling and what he’d been up to recently, like an old friend or schoolmate that hadn’t seen him for a few months, except Llewellyn saw Kim three times a week for four years straight during his summer breaks from Hogwarts. Towards the end (before Llewellyn began refusing to go home) Kim would even talk about Kai. About their relationship and how Llewellyn felt towards him, but eventually, via therapy witchcraft, the conversation would always circle back to the his childhood, and again Llewellyn would go silent.

At the end of the day it didn’t matter what he said, because his parents had money and there was a drug out there that would make him compliant enough to keep quiet and inconspicuous.

His back collided with the grass and he shoved the ruminations out of his mind. Defensive arms shot up to try and combat Kai’s assault, tangling with the other boys bony forearms sloppily. Thanks to Quidditch, Kai was faster and stronger and had taken him by surprise. So, after several mouthfuls of grass and Kai screaming in his face with this unrecognizable rage, Llewellyn’s arms fell slack, spitting out the unpleasant flavor of dirt that stuck sticky with saliva to his already flushed cheeks.

Who was this boy that had pinned him down and shoved dirt in his face? It wasn’t the Kai he knew and despite the serious emotional intimacy of the conversation, Llewellyn was still a teenage boy and found himself keener to their proximity and growing uncomfortably hot. Yes, he was actually surprisingly fine with this. He was okay with being loved like this. More than okay, in fact.

But on a serious note:

This stranger was right though. Llewellyn had always just assumed he knew exactly how Kai felt. It was hard not to when his best friend had always seemed so transparent. Unlike Llewellyn, talking came easy to Kai, or so he thought. But now as he laid beneath him it struck Llewellyn that maybe he didn’t know certain parts of Kai. Parts that he kept hidden, just as Llewellyn had done, and the conviction of betrayal swelled up in his chest. Obviously he had no right to be feeling that way, but feelings didn’t recognize the notion of hypocrisy. Feelings just did whatever, whether their proprietor wanted them to or not.

Llewellyn had been so blinded by his own feelings for so long that he never really considered how Kai felt. Not that going around with some douchebag and acting chipper as fuck was a good indicator of someone in real pain, but he had always sort of been like that, hadn’t he? Never wanting to cause waves. Trying to make everyone happy. This had backfired and he wound up unhappier than ever. He wondered if Kai, too, had felt that same despair, like a part of himself had been ripped away. After several moments of silence as this all sunk in, that he might have hurt Kai in a way that had been entirely unintended in an effort to protect him. His stomach churned with guilt. Is that what it looked like? Like he was giving up?

He wanted to explain that giving up wasn’t the case at all, but his words, like always, failed him. He had sabotaged his own efforts as usual. Like a shitty joke, Llewellyn was his own self-fulfilling failure and Kai was just too good for him. Even wounded, he played the part of the martyr, undaunted by Llewellyn’s capricious nature. Willing to accept his weakness at his own expense. Meanwhile, maybe Kai had been just as confused this entire time as Llewellyn had, but he had the self-reproach of Llewellyn’s rejection to deal with as well.

He bucked his hips and sent Kai toppling over into the ground beside him.

This was familiar territory for both boys, rough housing like they were fighting over the last oreo. Not trying to seriously hurt one another, though a rug burn or two wasn’t entirely uncommon. A ripped teeshirt. A bruised ego. But this time Llewellyn had been willfully gentle, as if to utter a quiet ‘I’m sorry’. As if he couldn’t say it enough.

As Kai hit the ground, Llewellyn rolled over and hooked a leg around his hips, reversing their positions without the same polished finesse that Kai possessed. He propped himself up, pressing the palms of his hands into Kai’s shoulders to keep him from countering the switch. Curls fell down into his face, his chest swelled, and warmth crept up the nape of his neck. He leaned forward and offered a chaste, tentative kiss. Pulling back he inhaled deeply.

“I’m in love with you and that scares the shit out of me,” he clarified matter-of-factly, emphasizing the in, because somehow the addition of that word made all the difference of meaning. Scratching his cheek, he finally swung his leg off of Kai and settled on the grass beside him, trying his hardest to process their argument but he couldn't help but to feel overwhelmed, fighting the urge to shut down and inadvertently shut out Kai again. 

Silence now. The two of them sat so quietly, Kai felt like he could hear his insides cracking. Like a cicada, shedding his shell to be whatever the hell he was now. He was hurt, particularly by his own words, by Llewellyn's willingness to be manhandled and treated so poorly. It was conflicting, eating him up. He wanted to be what Llewellyn wanted him to be, but he didn't like how that Kaimana looked. He was too raw, exposed, impulsive. He was too much like what he didn't want to be. This part of him wanted to hold Llewellyn down until he begged, until he cried or yelled or moaned. What was left of Kai felt sick to his stomach, and his head hanged down a defeated man. Everything was so tepid, colorless. He expected so much more from his friend, and for what? Why?

But he knew he wanted to be there with him. Even if he didn't like how it felt anymore.

In his daze, Llewellyn took the opportunity to roll Kai over, which he did without fighting back. If Llewellyn wanted to get him back, to make him lick the mud from his fingers, he would. He would and he would be fine with it, too. Anger still swelled in him, a hot air balloon ready to burst against at any second, to rip Llewellyn's stupid mop hair out of his skull, to rip him apart with his bare hands. But he laid there, in wait.

When Llewellyn, his best friend, his dumb shit lover, leaned in and kissed him... he couldn't help but feel like it was a joke. Yet another ruse. Kai's eyes fell half closed, and his lips tasted like grass and dirt, and he wished he'd just linger there for a bit more. But, as was Llewellyn's nature, he pulled away. He spoke words that Kai didn't want to hear. "In love with you". His gut twisted and he dug his fingertips into his sweater, into the soft flesh of his stomach. He wanted to tear this feeling out. He wanted to feel nothing. It wasn't good, he could tell, it was awful and draining and tears finally dripped from his tired sockets. They were hot, and they hurt. They hurt as much as this feeling. Nothing he could do would stop them.

"You're all I ever think about," Kai murmured, "I care about you so much, it's like? Like, I'm gonna fuckin' explode into a gazillion pieces and I don't even give a shit. As long as you're here. With me, or whatever... It's fine..." His voice trailed, and he felt almost as if he was being strangled by an unknown force. Crying normally made him feel better, like he was releasing all those bad vibes. An overwhelming but satisfying detox. It was more like he was melting outside of himself now, bit by bit. God, this was stupid. This was pointless. Even if he could reach in and show Llewellyn, for a fact, how he felt, it wouldn't matter. He was, possibly, the most hopeless person that Kai ever had the misery to meet. Not just meet, but he got to know him. He loved him. But the words couldn't form, no matter how much Kai knew he felt it. Perhaps Llewellyn wasn't worth the trouble. Or maybe he didn't deserve it. Or maybe Kai didn't deserve it, not now. Was it love if he wanted what he wanted?

He picked himself up, slow but unceremoniously, until the two of them were at eye level once more. Much more gentle this time, his dirt-smudged fingers traced up Llewellyn's cheek, which was almost equally as filthy at this point. But... Kai leaned forward, their brows nearly touching. His thoughts traced back to a certain peer's advice.

"Don't leave again," He began, quiet at first, his grip tightening in those thick curls, locking the two of them in place. His tears did not know the meaning of timing, but Kai didn't exactly care if this was as uncomfortable and harsh as he felt right then. "If you leave again, I'll-- Fuck..." He gritted his teeth. He would rip him apart. He'd make sure that Llewellyn couldn't walk away even if he wanted to. He beat the ever-loving shit out of him until he understood how Kai felt. Things that he wanted to say, but didn't want to do, and most certainly didn't want to admit. That wasn't Kai. He was choking on his feelings, killing himself, wanting to kill both of them. The two of them. But... He would never. He couldn't let himself.

He ate this feeling up, let it burn down his throat. His red eyes closed. This was a mistake, wasn't it? Letting Llewellyn get to him. But at this point, the hope that his friend would come back to him was all he had. He didn't have much else. In many ways, everyone he cared about was absolutely terrible. Not a single person treated him, or even each other, like they deserved love. But Llewellyn deserved it. Kai deserved it. His family deserved it. Even if he was tired of giving it.

For a moment, Kai lingered there. Before wiping his head back, colliding forward once more with Llewellyn's, with as much force as he could muster in that moment.

Kai's nose, immediately, began to bleed. He ignored it. Instead, he released his grip from Llewellyn's hair. He stood back up, let it drip down his dirt tainted lips. Painted rosey red, to match the burst of light that still lingered on the horizon. "I'll help you with potions, if y'want," Squeaky, but ignoring everything he just did, "I'll see ya' around."

Nope. Hell to the fucking nope. No no no NO. This was all moving too fast. Too serious. It had been the exact sort of confrontation Llewellyn had wanted to avoid up until the brat fucking wrestled the words right out of his stupid clumsy dirt smeared mouth. He was just a fucking kid and kids said and did dumb shit all the time, especially ones that had curly pink hair and smelled like a tea shop. Llewellyn had been doing great without this, this- whatever the fuck this was dropping into his lap. For once he’d felt alright enough with himself and he liked Ed enough that maybe one day he could have been more than just some guy Llewellyn snogged in between class so he could be distracted momentarily from his misery by a short-lived raging boner and the high of a newfound confidence. He could get up and leave and pretend like none of this ever happened. He’d get off drugs not because he was powerless to his habit but because he wouldn’t need them anymore to feel whole and human and just forget the part of his life that sucked and seemed incredibly unfair.

But one line of You're all I ever think about, and Llewellyn felt his cowards valor deflate, wondering where the strength he had when he broke up with Kai so many moons ago was now and why it couldn’t be summoned like some fickle poltergeist. His body was planted into the grass where he’d settled and his limb felt cold and heavy like stone, lips stunned by their brazeness and his brain somewhere in the neatherrealm of a malfunctioning blender. Ed wasn’t even a blip on his radar, and Llewellyn was certain he’d just tried the greatest drug available to human kind because all he wanted was to push Kai back down and taste him again and again and again to keep this pain-numbing rush surging through his useless goddamn body. Ed was just a guy he liked, but Kai was so much more than that. He was his light in a lifetime that had shown Llewellyn nothing but cruelty. His best friend. His madness and heartbreak.

He wanted so badly to be there, in that moment. To be present. Focused. To feel. He needed to feel everything, but that also meant the negative. The guilt and the shame. His insecurities and self loathing, things like mental illness or addiction that he refused to face and overcome not because he couldn’t, but he wouldn’t. He was a coward. His head refuted the idea. He was different now than he was back then. Kai was worth it though. Was he worth it though? He was worth it. A million years of feeling like shit, and Llewellyn knew he deserved just as much. He didn’t deserve things like love or friendship or forgiveness, and yet here was Kai, giving him just that, fighting for their relationship and strong arming Llewellyn into admitting just what these months of silence and avoidance and stupidity had been about.

Kai’s response wasn’t the answer he wanted, but it had also been one he had not expected.

But he couldn’t ground himself and all he could think about was that stupid goddamn leather couch and the afternoon he ripped down those fucking venetian blinds and screamed at Kim for pigeoning him into this victim role and further perpetuating his self-damnation as Kai took hold of his hair. He wanted to run as far away from Kai as he could, but like the other teenager was reading his mind- though he probably didn’t have to- Kai knew Llewellyn probably better than anyone else, despite all the lies he told- He ordered him not to. All Llewellyn could summon was the slightest of dumb nods that bobbed against Kai’s grip and a muttered reply. So sorry, so selfish, so stupid and wrong. Whatever he wanted. For now until whenever. Forever, if he wanted. God, it wasn’t fair what he did to him.

“Kai I w-” he started, clearer now, but his words were cut short by a crack to his skull and the disorientation that followed. A hand shot up to his forehead that now throbbed dully. As he rubbed the spot he could feel an egg forming just above his brow and the warmth that had been beside him just a moment ago had vanished, only to reappear above him impervious to the damage he’d caused.

“When?”

A hand jutted out and grabbed his pant leg before he could leave, and it occurred to Llewellyn how gut-churningly familiar this scenario was. He retracted it, humbled by his own desperation and impatience, and looked away. “Sorry,” he apologized again, throat raw and faltering. He cleared it and shook his head, getting up off the ground as well and brushing off the telltale grass stains from his jeans. “Just... uhm...” With the collar of his flannel he wiped away the dirt from his mouth. “Be careful, alright?” Llewellyn thought to clarify on this, but didn’t, figuring he’d shit on Kai’s boyfriend enough for the day. He might have been a violent asshole, but Kai could take care of himself... right?

As he questioned this, he started up towards the castle.